Burf day prezint

I turn 28 in 6 days' time.


A box has just arrived on my desk. I know what is inside. It is my present from my folks.


Small.


Green.


Shiny.


ipod.jpg


Oooh yeah baby. Come to mama.


The question is, do I have the willpower to leave it unopened until next Monday?
3.5.05 12:04


Reasons to be cheerful

1. It is my birthday on Monday.


2. The sun is attempting to shine. Its valiant struggle with the cloud-cover is probably doomed to failure, but I appreciate the effort.


3. The cold that has been plagueing me all week has finally gone away (the phlegm has migrated to my chest, leaving me with a fruity cough - but I secretly enjoy that, as it means I can do my patented impression of a consumptive. Always a hit at parties).


4. Trilby is home tonight after being off in Oirland all week. I am therefore wearing my slinkiest lingerie. Under my clothes, obviously. I figured the powers that be at Clerkenwell Towers would look askance at my manning reception dressed only in knickers and bra (regardless of the antique lace or silky bows on the aforementioned lingerie).


5. I just subscribed to Scarlet magazine on a whim, and am very much looking forward to receiving my free "pleasure pack". Titter.


6. Trilby is planning on taking me horse-riding this weekend. As I haven't been in the saddle since the age of 12, and Trilby has never ridden before in his life, this could be both romantic and unintentionally hilarious.


7. I have a shiny green mini iPod sitting on my bedside table, waiting to be opened.


8. The fact that I still have an unopened shiny green mini iPod on my bedside table means that I have immense stores of willpower. This pleases me, and also gives me hope that I will indeed lose two stone by the time I have to appear onstage in my underwear.


9. It's Friday. 'Nuff said.


10. Did I mention that it is my birthday on Monday?
6.5.05 11:23


Ridiculous Arguments We Have Had #1

YAAGers and Trilby discuss the forthcoming jaunt on horseback. YAAGers expresses concern that the owners of the stable will be hard pressed to find a helmet large enough to fit his head.


Trilby:  I was hoping to just wear my trusty hat.


YAAGers:  Just like Indiana Jones.


Trilby:  That was my thinking, yes.


YAAGers:  Do you know, in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade", Harrison Ford had to staple his hat to his head to stop it flying off when he galloped.


Trilby:  He did not staple his hat to his head.


YAAGers:  He did. I saw it in a documentary.


Trilby:  This is Harrison Ford. They're not going to let him staple anything to his head.


YAAGers: I know what I saw.


Trilby:  That's what people who claim to have been abducted by aliens say when nobody believes them.


YAAGers:  Look, Harrison Ford stapled his fedora to his head. With a stapler.


Trilby:  Maybe he stapled it to his hair.


YAAGers:  He didn't staple it to his hair, that wouldn't work. He stapled it to his head.


Trilby:  No, he didn't.


YAAGers: He did. He might just have been using really small staples...


Trilby:  You're always so certain about everything. You're just like Tony Blair.


 


T-T-T-Tony.... B-B-B-Blair....?
6.5.05 12:09


 


 


It is my birthday, and I am at work.


However, I am verrrry, verrrry drunk.


 


That is all.
9.5.05 15:14


Ridiculous Arguments We Have Had #2

Trilby claims that he could have a chimpanzee in a fight. YAAGers disagrees.


YAAGers:  (scoffing) How many chimpanzees do you think you could take on, then? Two?


Trilby:  Oh, certainly no more than two.


YAAGers:  You couldn't take on two chimps. You're a big man, but you're out of shape.


Trilby:  I could. It's all about establishing dominance. Once you establish dominance, your average chimp will just crumble.


YAAGers:  So how are you going to establish dominance, then?


Trilby:  I'd pick the largest one, then punch him on the nose.


YAAGers:  But what if he came back at you with his little monkey fists?


Trilby:  Am I allowed to wear shoes?


YAAGers:  Yes.


Trilby:  Then I'd kick him.


YAAGers:  The chimp might just grab your foot and pull you to the floor, though. Then you've got an angry chimp on your chest. What are you going to do then?


Trilby:  (calmly) I'd bite him on the face.


YAAGers laughs, hard, for at least five minutes.
10.5.05 14:02


Things I Have Spilled On This Day, Friday 13th

 


 


1. A whole pint of milk, all over the windowsill in Reception.


 


2. A cup of tea, onto the kitchen floor.


 


3. A cup of coffee, over my hand and the carpet.


 


Edit


4. My glass of Diet Pepsi, all over the table in the pub.


 
13.5.05 11:52


Beggared

 


Friday night. YAAGers and Trilby are on their carefree way to a gig.


YAAGers:  Oh hang on, I just need to get some cash out.


She skips over to the ATM and inserts her card.


ATM:  Hello YAAGers. How can I help you today?


YAAGers: I'd like £30 please.


ATM:   I'm sorry, how much?


YAAGers: Thirty pounds.


ATM:   Really? Thirty pounds, eh?


YAAGers:  Yes.


ATM:  As in three-zero pounds?


YAAGers:  Yes...


ATM:  Are you sure you don't mean thirteen? As in one-three pounds?


YAAGers:  No, I mean thirty. As in three-zero. As in ten pounds more than twenty. Or as in half of sixty pounds.


ATM:  Ah.


YAAGers:  Ah?


ATM:  You're sure you don't want to take out thirteen pounds?


YAAGers:  Positive. I want thirty pounds.


ATM:  Ah. Then I'm afraid that won't be possible. You don't have thirty pounds.


YAAGers:  Don't be ridiculous. It's only halfway through the month. I haven't spent a whole month's wages in two weeks, have I?


ATM:  *clears throat*


YAAGers:  Have I?


ATM:  *whistles*


YAAGers:  Oh sweet suffering fuck.


ATM:  Thank you for your custom. Have a nice evening, and try not to worry about your descent into penury.


YAAGers bangs her head against the wall of the bank for a few minutes, then goes to the gig and allows Trilby to buy her a lot of beer.
16.5.05 11:19


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